Do I have to grow up so Quickly ??

I am 17. Why do I have to know what I want to do with my life ?? If this holidays has taught me anything, its that I am not ready to go out into the big wide world of UNIVERSITY. Maybe thats why I left it so late to do my ucas form. Its not that I couldn't do it. Maybe I just don't want to. I don't want to stay in 6th form, but without school (or should I say without the art room) I am a complete mess. I just don't know what to do with myself. And sure I'm applying to do fine art at uni, and there are plenty more art rooms in the world. But I don't want to be in them just yet. At the moment, I sometimes wish I wasn't applying for university this year. There is just so much pressure on you to get in and achive what you want so early in life. Maybe I don't want that now. Maybe I want that the year after, or the year after that, what about going to uni when I'm a 'mature' student. What if I'm just not ready to leave school yet, I want to stay where I am comfortable for the time being. Whats the rush in growing up anyway ?? I wish I was still trying to decide what colour to draw the grass, because it really wouldn't matter. That is not a life changing decision. Its not going to effect my life. But this, this is. What if this isn't the right decision for me going next year. But if I decide when it's too late, then what ?? I am thousands of pounds in debt and able to say "Maybe I'll make the right decision next time." That is just not an option is it really. I am told that I must follow this path, it is what everybody does, well maybe I want to stay at school for an extra year (well the art room.) Why must I be so grown up all of a sudden, I can play the lottery, I can drive, and in the year of 2011 I will be able to drink. So grown up, in so little time. But whyyyy ??

Thinking is a funny thing ...

Today I was thinking. But when I think, I did myself into a deeper and deeper hole everytime. I think that thinking should be banned. There's another thought right there though. When I get thinking, I think about all the things that I have to do, how much time I have to do it in, and then the panick sets in. Which makes me wonder why the hell do I even bother thinking about it ?? But then I know that if I didn't think about it I would think about it eventually, when its too late and then I would panick even more. Is there such a thing of thinking about nothing ?? because surely when you think of nothing, nothing is a thing, so therefore you are thinking. I would love to be able to not think about my work and just get it done. That way would eliminate much more of my thinking, then maybe my head wouldn't be such a mess all the time. Who knows whats going through someones mind apart from the mind its coming from ?? I wish that I was carefree, who could just take some time out to do, well what I don't do because I'm too busy thinking about what I have to do. Thinking is hard. Why anybody would want to think is beyond me.

Bitch.

I have recently realised just how much of a bitch I am !! This bitchy side of me has started to emerge ALOT more this year, especially in the past few months. But you know what else I realised. I don't care if you think I'm a bitch. You can't change it. Because if I'm bitching about you, you won't know about it. I don't care if you bitch about me either, infact I don't care what you even think of me, as I found out that bitching about people is very thearputic, especially when doing it with someone who shares similar views to you. I am who I am, I am probably bitching about you because our personalities clash. But thats life. Its not as if I am planning to kill you is it ?? So, there you have it. I'm a bitch. But I really don't care !!

Don't Tell Me How To Feel.

I have recently learnt how harsh words can be when they come out of peoples mouths. They can inflict great pain on you. The words that were inflicted on me recently were 'you don't love me.' Which ironlically were by a person that I happen to love. It felt like someone stabbing you in the heart, twisting it round. and slowly pulling the knife back out. The words that come out of your mouth should not be telling me how I feel, you are not me !! Sometimes saying how you actually feel isn't always the best idea either. It can put you into situations that you do not want to be put in, and sometimes when you try, people talk over you and don't listen to what you want to say, so your back at square one. Maybe even -1, feeling even crapper than you did at the beginning.